The Ideal Candidate

“They want to do what now?” 

“Hook you up to machine up that blasts you in the gut with electromagnetic energy.  Apparently, it’s like doing 20,000 sit-ups in 30 minutes.” 

“Um. Yup. I’m in. Wait... what? 20,000 sit-ups in 30 minutes?”

"They also want to zap you in the face with microscopic crystals and use this laser wand tool that creates a vortex to suction away dead skin cells, exfoliating your face.  Hydradermabrasion.  It's the new thing."

"A vortex, eh. Um, yeah, sure, I guess?"

"And lastly they want to use a monopolar radiofrequency device that shoots  radiofrequency and ultrasound waves at your collagen and tightens your skin.  Also in the face." 

"What's wrong with this face?  Why does this face offend you so?"

"We just think you're the right guy for the job." 

"It's 'cause I'm so vain, right? You all know I'm really vain.  I AM really vain..." 

"We just think you're the right guy for the job." 

Introducing QY THE MED SPA

With a dazzlingly futuristic and serene new Bund location opened just last week, QY THE MED SPA (yes, the correct way to spell it, is with ALL CAPS!) offers the latest in scientifically proven, FDA-approved, technology-based, non-invasive spa treatments to people in Shanghai. And you can get these consultations and treatments done in English. 

Take note of these terms as they're the key selling points to these procedures: FDA-approved. Technology-based. Non-invasive. English service. 

From body to face care, QY THE MED SPA offers a range of programs to combat... well, the stuff that most people are looking to combat: sagging skin and the signs of aging, acne and skin imperfections, muscle tone issues, and more.

Evidently, SmartShanghai took an internal office poll and decided I was the best candidate to put these machines to the true test.

Oh, turns out I'm LOOKING DAMN OLD I GUESS, CHEERS EVERYONE. 

...

I always thought I looked rather timeless...

Let's Do This

WhatEVER. 

So I'm getting everything done. My huge sexy belly, this destroyed-yet-handsome face, my alluringly imperfect skin, everything.  The works. Send in the machines. Give me everything. Assemble THE MF AVENGERS. 

So yeah, QY is a "medical spa", which means everything is science and technology based, backed up by third party testing, and sanctioned by official regulatory bodies.  These machines and treatments do what they'll say they'll do. 

Ahh, the sweet, warm embrace of science: If you do this, you will get this result. And here is the proof. 

I'm getting three procedures today which were sold to me thusly:

"You know that class of Hollywood actor who looks like they're not aging at all?  This is what they're doing.  This is the latest stuff from LA." 

I feel poised for a late career ressurgence!  

I'm Getting...

-EMSCULPT 

The electromagnetic pulse machine thing that is like 20,000 sit-ups in 30 minutes.  Drive-thru abs, baby.

-HYDRAFACIAL  

A medical-grade hydradermabrasion therapy with a three-part regimen — cleansing, exfoliating, and then infusing skin with intensive serums. Unleash the vortex! 

-EXILIS ULTRA 360

Well, it's got "360" in it so you know it's forreal.  I'm all day and in every way, my friends. This is the radiofrequency and ultrasound waves, one-two combo to blast collagen and get rid of the dark circles under my eyes.

...

Yes, but what about the underlining crippling guilt that caused them in the first place?  What indeed! 

What Is EMSCULPT?

Emsculpt is an FDA-cleared, non-invasive body-sculpting procedure that builds muscle and burns fat.

There are those terms again: FDA-cleared. Non-invasive.

Via two defibrilator-type paddles, a machine delivers high-intensity focused electromagnetic energy pulses to the muscle tissue, "creating supramaximal muscle contractions that activate more muscle fibers than what you can achieve through normal exercise."

Oh ya?

So, basically, it jolts straight-up SCIENCE at my long dormant ab muscles?  

Is that what you're saying?

"This nonsurgical treatment can tighten, tone, and strengthen the large muscle groups of the abdomen and buttocks as well as of smaller body areas, including the upper arms, thighs, and calves. The result is increased muscle definition and reduced circumference."

What's Supposed to Happen?

From our research, general third party commentators recommend a treatment course that is four 30-minute sessions, split over a few weeks at two to five day intervals.

The results?

Depend on your unique situation, of course, but each session is 20,000 muscle contractions, so... definitely a workout. 

A lot of people see results after just one session -- more ab definition, reduced belly size, tighter stomach area -- and everyone sees some positive results after multiple sessions, with the max results visible three months after the regimen.  

The scientific data shows that it not only breaks down fat cells for around 19% reduction after four treatments, but also builds muscle for 16%.  From studies in the States, most people using it are between 35-50 and looking to body sculpt for sexy stomach, thighs, and butts. 

What's It Like

Scary. Weird. Tingly.

And then funny weird. And then funny tingly. And then just funny.

Basically, they just hook this paddle up to you -- two paddles if you're used to it and have done it before -- and it sends a low-level shock that feels like it hits you right in the ab muscles. It's like: shock-rest-shock-rest-shock-rest... shock-shock-shock-rest-rest-rest... and then repeat the cycle for 30 minutes. 

The sensation is the same as doing a sit-up but you're not in control of it. Like someone has taken over your body and is doing sit-ups for you.

And...?

I just did the one introduction session to get a sense of what it was like. After just the one session the whole area felt tighter and there was a distinct line at the top of my stomach under which theoretically ab muscles would form should I continue doing more sessions, along with y'know... complimentary exercise and dieting.  

And that's a key point about Emsculpt.  It's most effective if used in conjunction with your existing exercise program, working and stimulating your ab muscles in a way that ordinary sit-ups don't.  

It works best for people who are almost at their ideal point and are looking for that extra contouring and definition. 

In my case, I have an existing program of not doing nothin' for my abs but even so I felt tighter in my core, and saw the beginnings of something resembling strength, beauty, and life in a region where there was none.

Would definitely finish four rounds of this...  

HydraFacials Versus Regular Facials

Turns out I'm hideous -- hideous! -- right in my face region.  Luckily, QY has just the amazing machine for this and a treatment that is now more popular in spas around the world than botox: HydraFacial. TM.  

(One is performed somewhere every 15 seconds.)

A HydraFacial is a powerful, non-invasive skin "resurfacing" hydradermabrasion treatment that carries out a "patented three-part regimen" — cleansing, exfoliating, and then infusing skin with intensive serums. It removed dead skin cells and impurities, while simultaneously delivering moisturizing serums for "the best skin you've had in your life.

So what makes a HydraFacial better than a regular facial? Rather than blasting the skin with grit, a typical dermabrasion, HydraFacials are gentler on the skin with the same or better results: improved hydration, minimized dark spots and blemishes, and even a decrease in fine lines. 

Above is one of their gorgeous hydrafacial treatment rooms. It feels new. It is new. 

Targeting the Problem. (AKA My Whole Face.)

Along with your first HydraFacial treatment, QY offers a skin consultation that is yes... putting my head into another machine to identify just what's going on with my face.  

As you can see, I'm pretty excited about the prospect.  

DERP.

Welcome to my face! 

Not Ready for My Close Up

So yeah, close your eyes and put your head in this thing.  

How many times have I heard that over the course of this career! 

Basically, it was like sticking my face into a disco ball from the future.  And then it whirled and did a bunch of scientific clicking like WALL-E while it assessed the situation.  

Winter Is Totally Coming

The direwolves grow gaunt and hungry, my friends, and the white walkers move through the woods. 

So, this machine is blasting me with science to not only reveal my current skin blemishes and imperfections also is highlighting problems below my skin surface layer which will present themselves in the future.  Sorcerey!

It also revealed that my beard is looking way more heavy metal than intended. So, might have to get that looked at as well. 

Expert Advice from the OG Qian Yi

"See this white walker here? This is you..."

(Look how concerned I am.) 

By the way, that's Qian Yi. The myth behind the legend, the gal who opened QY THE MED SPA. Story goes, she spent time in Paris and experienced the beauty spas out there, and became fascinated with the medical technology that was enhancing beauty in the land of Vogue. She brought her Parisian experiences back with her to Shanghai with a few illustrious partners. One might think that the "QY" in the brand name refers to her namesake, Qian Yi. And you'd be very astute and correct. But it also has a clever underlying meaning as well refering to "Quality Youth". Quality treatment first... youth as a result. 

Not Too Late!

"White walker. You." 

I've never really had a problem with acne or had any major skin issues. I don't wear make-up often either, so that's not an issue.  

I have, however, never been a fan of sunscreen and you can see sun damage going on here.  I'm also a real salt of the earth, man of the people kinda guy so I just use whatever soap on my face that is within arm's reach of the shower.  

And yes *** shudder***  I'm getting older.

My face isn't... as tight on my face as it used to be... 

Introducing HydraFacial

HydraFacial to the rescue.  A three-step treatment administered in 30 minutes. 

-Clean and Peel: Exfoliate to uncover a new layer of skin.  A new me! What! You're welcome, everybody! 

-Extract and Hydrate: Remove debris clogging pores and nourish with intense moisturizers.  I love to nourish intensely. 

-Fuse and Protect: Saturate the skin surface with antioxidants and peptides to maximize your glow.  

Glow me the F up! 

Unleash the Vortex

So. "Hydradermabrasion?"

Indeed. So. This gentler approach vacuums out pores while simultaneously pushing in potent actives, which moisturize, brighten, plump, and protect.

The machine's handpiece holds patented spiralized treatment tips equipped with "vortex technology" — the whirling force that solves all of life's central issues. 

Zaaaaaaap!

So, this was a new experience. A painless one, I'm happy to report.  Was just a lot of lying on my back while they zapped me with the vortex pen.  It was a little hot but not uncomfortably so.  

Non-invasive.  

One of the key selling points of HydraFacials is that they offer the same results as the more intense microdermabrasion and chemical peels, but are way less painful and you don't experience any of the swelling or redness you might with something more extreme. 

It felt good, actually.  Just lying down and getting something similar to a face massage.  Ayyy, that's alright. 

Whoa!

Finished off with a couple of minutes in this crazy thing right here.  Just locking in all those lovely additives and giving my face that new car smell.

This was a little harrowing, not going to lie.  

And...?

Well, it made my face really damn clean I can tell you that with absolute certainty. And very healthy-looking.  Also, very noticeable was vastly improved tone and consistency. Creamy, smooth, and moist, my friends.  

That's what everyone was saying after too like, "Oh, Morgan, look how creamy, smooth, and moist you're looking today!" 

"Thank you, buddy! I FEEL creamy, smooth, and moist!" 

I also saw some of the smaller lines in my forehead and around my eyes disappear.  Which is pretty great.  

As an extremely vain person, I gotta say I was quite pleased with this outcome. 

You want to see what they pulled out of my pores? 

Gross!

Gross, eh! 

Thanks, guys, you can hang on to that for me. 

Skin Tightening with the Exilis Ultra 360

Let's bring it all home, baby. Treatment number 3: Skin tightening with the Exilis Ultra 360.  

The Exilis Ultra 360 is a non-invasive skin tightening treatment that uses two safe forms of energy: radiofrequency and ultrasound. This works to tighten the skin on the body and face. People use it on their necks, chins, foreheads, stomach pooches, love handles... anywhere that needs tightening. 

For me, I've got dark circles under my eyes, coming from years of wearing glasses growing up and the fact that I've done so, so many things in life that have caused sleepless nights. 

Let's just iron away that guilt shall we! 

Anti-Aging Technology

Here we go again.  FDA-approved to do what they say it will do.  And non-invasive.  Righteous. I'm in. 

How it works: The heat from the radio frequency waves and ultrasound both stimulate collagen for a tauter, smoother skin, and at the same time targets fat cells anywhere on the body. Controlled heating and cooling ensure that energy is delivered to various depths in the tissue. Volumetric Heating disrupts old collagen fibers and initiates the process of new collagen formation.

TL;DR. Science. 

A Typical Treatment Regimen with Exilis Ultra

While most patients need multiple treatment sessions to see the full effects of this process, the overall results are long-lasting. Three treatments are the recommeded, spaced a week and a half apart.  You can expect to see the best outcomes at the three-month mark, which can last between 6 months and two years. 

What Happens...

So, they put this goop on your face...

Ka-Pow!

And then they use this Harry Potter magic wand thing to ka-pow your collagen. It's an interesting sensation.  Like you can feel it heating up and zapping you. But it doesn't hurt. This is the machine shrinking fat cells and stimulating new collagen production. Which leads to tightening the elastin fibers in the skin -- smoother, slimmer, firmer skin.

And...?

Again, I just wanted to get the one treatment to see what it was like.  They recommend multiple sessions to really get the best results.  That said, there was noticeable reduction in the bags and dark skin under my eyes and my forehead was a lot smoother, like as if someone took a cement trawl and smoothed it out. 

I would definitely be down with continuing the regimen, should you, dear reader, be gaining lots of insights from my spa adventures and like to know more. 

Hey. I'll do it. Believe it.

(Send me back, dear reader! Send me back, SmartShanghai!)

Prices and Locations

QY The Med Spa has three location in Shanghai, listed here, but you should try to go to the almost impossibly lovely Bund location that just opened last week.  It's... super nice. 

Introduction Prices: 

EMSCULPT: 1,880rmb for 30 minutes.

HydraFacial: 999rmb for the first time. 

Exilis Ultra 360: 980rmb for the first time (chin and neck). 

If you want to get connected to them right now, scan WeChat QR code below, and you'll get connected to a very nice lady named Milan. 

She speaks Russian, English and Chinese, and is pretty easy on the eyes as well. She'll answer any questions, help you book appointments, and can help with regimen suggestions. 

Smash that QR code beauties!