Dog days of summer y'all and you know what that means. SmartShanghai.com is back with our classic summer tradition.

Sitting poolside and having a lovely cocktail with some good friends, enjoying life?

Noooooo.

Sitting in a GD cubical all day, surfing for Taobao's zaniest seasonal items!

You know not the sacrifice we lifestyle journalists bear on these tired shoulders in the name of this, the most sacred of callings.

The "Water Gun Happiness"

Okay, right off the bat, let's get this out of the way, 90% of this list is going to be dick-based.

It just is.

And it's not us doing it, this is just the reality we're living in. This is the lay of the land. This is what we're being confronted with.

This is supply and demand. This is what the market is dictating. This is Adam Smith's invisible hand doing this —***makes jerking off gesture***— all over our late-stage global capitalism situation.

(Or it could be that the SmSh graphic designer chose all of these and he has a very niche sense of humor.)

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Case in Point

Yeah, is anyone needing to give their fingers a workout? Is anyone looking for more buff fingers?

Where's the water coming from?

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Metal Art Hot Dog Roasters

Buckle up, my friends! Strap in! More dicks stuff!

Actually, I like this one though because my favorite jokes are jokes that are only kinda funny for the first 2 seconds and then they just stick around forever afterward, aging like burnt dicks.

0 - 2 seconds: Kinda funny? Question mark?

2 seconds - end of time: Awkward for everyone involved. Kind of exhausting.

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The Wolf of YanPing Lu

Check out my landlord here after a hard day's work of not giving me my rent deposit back.

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The I Don't Get the Reference swimming cap

Cosplay requires real guts and dedication because only like .0001% of people will get the reference and to everyone else, it's just totally baffling.

I'm guessing this is a reference to some show called like "Super VR Dragon Warriors X" or something.

Or is it "Buddhism"?

Either way: baffling.

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Production photo from the set of Avatar 3

Holy shit did James Cameron himself come down to direct this shoot right here! It's seamless! Fucking seamless!

But yeah, just the thing for people with a daughter cropped in half who hangs out in pools that defy time and space with some of the actors from 2003-2007's The O.C.

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FEAR ITSELF POOL TOY

For 2023, in the genre of kids floating on horrifying things they should not be, we have this lil' number right here.

Good LORD.

There is nothing more scary than this. This is like the threat of nuclear warfare plus being buried alive plus public speaking all in one thing.

Inflated.

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Choices

When people say they gotta get their beach bods ready for the summer, this is what they mean. It's important to have life goals and try to work to achieve the best version of yourself, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

It's like, hey if I can just lose 10 more pounds I can fit into that movie reference from like 17 years ago and be the weirdest choice ever at the pool party.

Goals!

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Animorph Facekinis

I like that they make facekinis for people who think standard, normal facekinis are not terrifying enough.

Like enough with the vanilla ice cream already.

Show me something that will really make me look like a maniac at the beach this year, let's go.

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THE OFFICE SUMMER NAPS Special

Working all summer long and just picked one of these up so we can take a quick nap at the office without anyone noticing at all.

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...

...

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CHUM-P Casual Wear

Imagine, you show up to the gig, hungover as fuck, and they hand you this thing right here to put on and model.

Like, "Hey, Darren, thanks for coming in, we're just gonna get some shots of the novelty shark sweater and then we'll go from there, mmmkay?"

You can almost see Darren's male modeling dreams exploding in real time on his face right here.

Ralph Lauren not exactly beating your door down, eh, Darren.

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nothing wrong with this at all

This is just good parenting right here, lightweight and capable, with a mild recoil at 300 yards hunting, 1000 on the range, locked and loaded, with a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, telescope sight, and a hair trigger.

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The British official genuine cotton pants summer breathable men's massage physiological health boxer magnet underwear men's pants

Oooooo-eee! Oh my, yes, yes, YES.

Woof!

Look at that dong, all lit up like it's staring on stage in a one-dong show at The Pearl! Lights, camera, action!

I mean, what more is there to say really? We've got them on right now and they're fantastic.

Rest assured, Shanghai, with these babies, in your drawers, it's 32 degrees and sunny all the time...

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